Using shame

Confession… It might not be “right” to feel shame, but if it’s there I’m going to try and use it.

And I am ashamed to say that my high level of self-discipline that had kept me fit and self employed since 2011 had recently declined, and I only just narrowly avoided a burnout because by not looking after myself. I still have tons of inspiration, and a 1000 good ideas but no where near the motivation that I use to have to follow through.

I think life is testing me: do I practice what I preach, does what I preach even work. Am I aware and using my shadow, or am scared what others think and how they will judge me.
I’m a firm believer that we need to keep evolving and changing and what worked for us today might not work tomorrow, so it’s good to stay open and not be attached.
BUT
I’m missing the wilder part of myself, the part that goes Thai Boxing 🥊 on the back of a motor bike 🏍 and solo rock climbing 🧗‍♀️ with a tent 🏕
The man in a van with a lot of tools 🛠 Independent and self reliant.
I miss him. I loved this part of myself, this broken crazy traumatised young man trying to heal. But in healing myself contentment has become boring and I have less fire 🔥 Even though my inspiration and desire is still high. All of a sudden I’m lacking the balance I use to have.

I teach others how to increase their energy and raise their vibration through working with trauma and desire. And if you know my life story you can see how I’ve succeeded in this and through adversity so many times.

But as a single man after many cycles with no committed relationship or likeminded community to rely on for change and input I feel that I’m running out of ways to create the balance I need. That balance that allows me to create fire from my trauma and my desire.

My work has made me a different person and Kundalini has burnt 15kg of solid well earned vegan 🌱 muscle away (deeper subject!)
I think these where important process for me to go through, but somehow I feel that I need to reintegrate and rebuild some of the old parts of myself.

I’m posting this to shame myself into action and to find a better way before the unconscious desire to create more trauma takes over that would eventually lead back to balance. I know most will disagree with “shaming ourselves into action”, but if I feel shame then I want to be honest about it and use it, not live in denial and secretly feel ashamed for feeling shame! Maybe posting this is detrimental to my work but right now it’s true, honest and human.

I’m brainstorming on what I need to do to both look after myself better and create more inner fire and balance, here is the list so far:
a) a wife or a conscious community
b) someone to run all the admin side and develop my business
c) more sex and a holiday
d) someone to shout at me and hit me with a stick until I’ve reprogrammed self-discipline back into me
e) a P.T
f) a coach

I guess all these things could be nice and helpful.

Image credit “Unkown”

Quote “Pamela Dinkowitz”